Chuck Norris Facts [Warning may contain spoilers]

**MedusaSpaceJew** · 02-23-2008, 03:28 AM

Ok since no oneee seams to remember old good Chuck and we all know that he would probably kill us if didn't open this topic.So i did and saved many lives.
Now he is gona kill me when he finds out that i am writing about him with his mighty roundhouse kick but for higher purpose i will do it.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

My favorite

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

**TsukuyomiKakashi** · 02-23-2008, 04:28 AM

Wanna know who'd win in a race between superman and flash? Chuck Norris

**RedRascal** · 02-23-2008, 04:41 AM

When the Boogyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for chuck norris

**Harry MacDougall** · 02-23-2008, 05:46 AM

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
God wanted to create the world in 10 days… Chuck Norris gave him 6

**Naga** · 02-23-2008, 05:50 AM

1. 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
2. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
3. An anagram for ‘Walker Texas Ranger’ is ‘Karate Wrangler Sex’. I don't know what that is, but it sounds awesome.
4. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
5. Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven – with his cock.
6. Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman through anal sex.
7. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
8. Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
9. Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
10. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
11. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
13. Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".
14. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so
15. Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
17. Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
18. Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport – and got change.
19. Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
20. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
[More:]

21. Chuck Norris' only pick up line is him snapping his fingers, pointing at a girl, and then pointing to his bulge. Chuck Norris gets it all the time
22. Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
23. Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
24. Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
25. Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
26. Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
27. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
28. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
29. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
30. Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
31. Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
32. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
33. If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
34. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
35. Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
36. It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
37. Jesus' Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. That’s why we celebrate Christmas
38. Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
39. Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
40. One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
41. One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
42. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
43. There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
44. Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
45. What many people don’t know is that Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
46. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
47. When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third - that afternoon.
48. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
49. Women never say no to Chuck Norris. Even if they don't want to, they know its eventually gonna happen.
50. Yesterday, Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from ‘Walker: Texas Ranger’. Tomorrow they’ll be showing clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Christie Brinkley requested he be allowed to be boned by Chuck after every total gym infomercial and he agreed! 8 Chuck Norris always fucks on the first date.
51. Chuck Norris can screw three people at the same time. Don't even try to figure out how.
52. Chuck Norris enjoys having sex with AIDS patients just so he can contract the disease; beat it, and brag to people that the only cure for AIDS is being Chuck Norris.
53. Chuck Norris fucked your wife while you were out of town on a business trip. Tough shit.
54. Chuck Norris is so lethal; his penis has biceps instead of testicles and deadly venom instead of sperm. It is for this very reason that he is known only as "La Cobra" in many South American countries, and is worshiped by tribal people living off the coast of New Zealand.
55. Chuck Norris is the only 100% effect form of contraceptive.
56. Chuck Norris knows you're gay because you're not Chuck Norris.
57. Chuck Norris once had sex with the Queen of England. When she asked him to cuddle, he roundhouse kicked her in the ovary and then bit off her leg - just to prove a point. Chuck Norris does not cuddle, because Chuck Norris is not a pussy.
58. Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
59. Chuck Norris' sperm can be visibly seen thrashing about like fish out of water.
60. Hospitals are also known as "Chuck Norris Recovery Centers". This applies doubly to the maternity wards.
61. If you think Chuck Norris can't rape you anytime, anywhere then you are in for a rude awakening tomorrow.
62. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
63. It is said that Chuck Norris' fists have the ability to turn Rosie O’Donnell momentarily straight.
64. People who maintain that "size doesn't matter" have never had sex with Chuck Norris.
65. The moment Chuck Norris came out of his mothers' womb he roundhouse kicked the hell out of the nurse, then screwed her to death.
66. When Chuck heard that Jesus was crucified, he roundhouse kicked 8 people standing around him and lit them on fire. We call this day Hanukah.
67. When you and a group of strangers put on tights and stretch, it's called yoga. When Chuck Norris puts on tights and stretches, it's porn.
68. Women don't fantasize about Chuck Norris. They think back.
69. You may have given your girlfriend a diamond necklace for Christmas, but Chuck Norris gave her a pearl one last night.
70. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

**Harry MacDougall** · 02-23-2008, 05:56 AM

dam it Naga

**Avankiri** · 02-23-2008, 06:29 AM

I are dead from laughs! Argh!

**devilish000** · 02-23-2008, 06:40 AM

Ahh, good, old Chuck jokes, still funny. D:

**enigmaindex** · 02-23-2008, 10:57 AM

naga

i was wondering how long it would take before someone would post this haha.

btw, nothing better to do at school then hack their wireless network, and print chuch norris facts on every printer. <3

**hoboX10** · 02-23-2008, 11:31 PM

Did you know if you google "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate 0 results? It just doesn't happen.

**Naga** · 02-23-2008, 11:35 PM

Results 1 - 10 of about 857 for "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked". (0.05 seconds) wrong.

**LastShinigami** · 02-24-2008, 12:03 AM

You stole all those jokes from Chucknorrisfacts.com but there so damn funny.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her. ~One of my favorites

**Jakku** · 02-24-2008, 12:32 AM

Sooo funnny.

One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself."

I dont think i've laughed soo hard in my life.

**Furanshisu917** · 02-24-2008, 01:29 AM

Did you know if you google "Chuck Norris" you will generate 0 results?
why ?
you dont find chuck norris, he finds you.

chuck norris round house kicked god, thus brung about the creation of light.

if chuck norris could create a portal and revisit himself in 2 weeks and fight, hed win

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

(i never made these up...)

**Avankiri** · 02-24-2008, 01:48 AM

Chuck Norris created cheeseburgers by throwing a cow at a chain link fence.